The Petty Chronicles

Today I took my 6 year old with me to Walmart for groceries. He woke up pretty early this morning and he’s been really grouchy and irritable, which makes me think he’s either tired or about to start his period. I dunno. I’m not a doctor.

He insisted on walking 20 feet behind me, kept mumbling rude stuff under his breath, and just being an asshat. (And for any sanctimommies who are judging me for calling my kid an asshat, I’m so sorry because you are obviously lost and are probably looking for a blog that talks about the healing powers of Tupperware or whatever the hell it is you guys talk about. Good luck.)

Anyway, there was an employee who was handing out cake samples. As we walked by, a sweet older woman stopped me.

Older woman: Aren’t you going to get some cake for your little boy?

Teddy: *looks hopeful*

Me: Not today, I’m afraid. He hasn’t earned it.

Older woman: Ahh, good for you for being firm.

Teddy chooses this time as the perfect time to mumble, “Mama doesn’t deserve any cake.”

I walked back to the cake person and asked politely for a piece of cake. Delicious looking cake that was FULL of gluten, which tears up my stomach. And I ate every crumb of that cake in front of Teddy.

Me: Hmm, this cake is so good!

Teddy: *glares*Me: And it’s so moist! I’m glad I made good choices today! Yum!

Teddy: *glares*

My colon: *rumbles angrily*

Son, never underestimate my level of petty. I am the MASTER of petty. I listen to Petty LaBelle and Petty Wap, I enjoy a nice hot Petty Melt with fries, sometimes I make a cake using a Petty Crocker cake mix, THERE ARE NO LIMITS TO MY PETTY, SON.

And the dirty look my precious darling gave me as he watched me eat that cake? The stomach cramps I have right now are totally worth it.

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